Back to work

I am home from vacation.  It was absolutely gorgeous!  The weather was great, the hotel and awesome and I don't really want to be home.  I think I was meant to live in NC.  I had considered moving to Raleigh several times but I need a job before I move somewhere.  I'm entirely too responsible to move without having a job.  I have looked for jobs there, but given the current economic situation, pickins are slim.
During vacation, I gave a fair amount of thought to the NJ job situation.  I didn't dwell on it, but I let it bounce around in my head for a little while.  These are the thoughts that rattled around in my brain:  1)  I'm not happy;  2)  Even though I enjoy the work I do, I do not like my current job (it's a toxic environment);  3)  I don't really want to leave my family;  4)  NJ is only 3 hours away - I can visit every other month;  and 5)  I'm really not happy with my life as it stands now - yes, I know I already said that - it was on purpose.

I'm afraid of my freedom.  By acknowledging that there truly is no reason to stay here, I'm admitting that I've simply continued on day after day out of ... fear? ... comfort? ...  inertia?? 

Background info:  It's been almost a year and a half since Grant moved out.  (Brief history for those who may not know:  ex-boyfriend, we lived together for a year, then he moved out with little notice and no real explanation.  I was devastated.)  It's been over 9 months since we officially ended things.  Has it really taken me that long to get over that?  Has it taken me that long to finally realize that what I want is not here, or conversely and more to the point, that what is here is not what I want? 

I'd like to think that there are a lot of things coming together at once.  I think that Grant's leaving was a catalyst to the various journeys that I'm now undertaking.  I think that, finally, I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to accept what happened with him.  I tend to be slow with these things.  I know that.  It's a function of how I put myself out there.  I know I'll probably get hurt, but I continue to do it.  It does make for a painfully slow recovery sometimes. 

So, anyway, back to being afraid of my freedom.  I am, plain and simple.  I don't know what more I can tell you about it.  I have no clue why I'm afraid, I just am. 

It's 10:10 pm.  I started this post around 7:00.  In the meantime, I've done laundry, eaten some popcorn and told my friend (re: the job), that if it's available, I want it.  I'm supposed to talk to her tomorrow.  I have no idea what info she might have for me.  Since this is still in the planning stage, her supervisor or one of the big bosses could easily nix it, so, I'll just have to see what happens.

Time for bed - back to work in the morning!